Inner conflict and the self-employed
by Kathryn Craft
Might we not say to the confused voices which sometimes arise from the depths of our being, Ladies, be so kind as to speak only four at a time?
~Anne-Sophie Swetchine
The above quote, prominently displayed on the bulletin board beside my computer, suggests that I constantly suffer from the very thing I seek out in my characters: inner conflict.
I suppose it’s a right brain-left brain thing. As it so happens, both sides of my brain fight for prominence. Left-brained me—lets call her “L”— is constantly putting new programs in place to re-organize, compartmentalize, and otherwise tame my unruly life so that I can make good use of my time. L is the boss. She scribbles all over my planner. She is an unflagging optimist with a get ‘er done bent.
Card sharp (Photo credit: totallyfred)
Right-brained me is innately improvisational and her antics are most entertaining. When L dictates that we go to the gym every morning, alternating upper and lower body workouts with an all-aerobics day thrown in for good measure, R says, “But you can’t make me.” Some days L gets a workout just chasing R around the room. She isn’t evil—she may go along with L for a couple of days to make nice—but then she’s madly reshuffling the schedule and saying, “Pick a card, any card.”
Problem is, R is a real charmer. She’ll say something like, “I’ll just write this blog first thing while I’m fresh and work out later.” Why do we believe her? We have never yet convinced her to make good on her suggestion to go to the gym once her head is inside a project.
If you’ve thought such tugs of war between employer and employee are only staged on the corporate campus, welcome to my head.
I wish I could report that after thirty years of practice I have trumped “The Man” by creating for myself an anxiety-free work environment, but that would be a lie. L schedules meetings, R gets lost in the flow of writing and misses them. L decides I’ve consumed enough calories for the day, R celebrates another two thousand words with a beer and buttered popcorn. L says to record my life before forgetting its rich detail and R demands time away from the computer to go out and live it. L says turn around editing clients faster so you can make more money, R says she. Can’t. Rush. And performance reviews? Pfft. The IRS deals the cards on that one. Tax time is sobering for the self-employed. Yes, valid deductions are great, but it does nothing for L or R to see all their tussles add up to so little on the bottom line.
On my bulletin board, pinned beside the opening quote, is a full-page photograph from O Magazine, April 2003, titled “The Idea is Balance.” It offers a profile view of an empty wooden chair—and improbably perched upon its back is a peacock, its long feathers hanging on a heavy diagonal toward the ground. The chair may tip, the peacock may fall, but in this moment the pair is caught in a moment of calm. Finding the quiet, while knowing the stakes—that seems to be my greatest ongoing challenge.
The neat thing about this photo, though, is that both the chair and the peacock are facing the same way. I never realized that until I wrote this post. That’s the same way with L and R. They may have different strengths, and different ways of going about things, but they have no doubt that they’re playing for team Kathryn, and that they’re both desperately needed.
K: Well done, team.
R: Let’s go celebrate with an ice cream sundae!
L: But it’s only 8 a.m. and I have you scheduled for another 2,000 words…
(Okay, ’fess up—I can’t be the only one. In what ways does the struggle for balance manifest in your life?)
A fun test to see if you are more right- or left-brained. Can you see the dancer turning to her left? I can’t.
I once took a test in college that tested R and L brain. The result was suppose to be a rectangle that was long horizontally or vertically, depending on which way you leaned. Mine was a perfect square. And I can see the dancer go both directions. (the dancer is cool!)
Given my science career, my left brain has had way more life practice than my right, so I try to work on letting the right out of its box. In the last couple years I’ve taken up painting and then found out later that Orfan Pamuk and others have deemed writing and painting as sister arts. That’s the way it is for me: one medium allows me more creative freedom in the other. So I paint to write better.
Kate: Your comment reminds me of the SATs—when I first took them I scored higher on English skills than math/science, which shocked me. When I re-took them I soared much higher in math-science. Yet now—no matter how hard I try— I can’t see the dancer go the other way! Of course I’m also challenged to balance my checkbook…
Love your last sentence: “I paint to write better.” We all have to figure out what works for us!
Love this post….the dancer is mostly turning turning to the right for me (I’ve done this test before, but sometimes, if I look away and then look back, she’s turning to the left…time of day seems to make a difference — how odd is that?) Well, maybe not so odd as I trained as a scientist, but have always been a creative person who loves to read, write, dream. I’ve given actual names to the ‘opposing’ parts of my personality/brain — helps to keep the voices straight! –Patricia
Oh Patricia I wish you’d share what you named them, what a great idea! Sounds like we have a lot in common. So frustrated that no matter how hard I try now I can’t make her turn left! Will try at different times of day as you suggest.
Kathryn, the dancer is so moving clockwise! How could it be other? I love illusions…or is it my brain that creates the illusion I want to see?
ahhh, the games we play with ourselves. Methinks we are mostly hardest on ourselves. I know if I do not exercise first thing it will NOT happen! This is a proven fact no scientist need tell me. My goal for 2013 is to celebrate the work I get done that I set for myself with something other than food – perhaps 30 minutes of blissful reading or closing my eyes on the couch by the fire or watching a movie I love. Not with beer (cause I love good beer!) or pizza (cannot resist!) or even those garlic knots with dinner. 
Donna, a reward system that doesn’t “cost” me—that’s what I need from my hard-drivin’ boss! (Honestly, I think she needs to go get an MBA…)
Only could see her turning clockwise. Try as I might to see her change direction, it just didn’t happen. No surprise there. Such an interesting post and I love the beautiful peaceful picture at the top of your blog. That’s someplace I would like to be. I could picture you there, sipping a tall glass of pink lemonade. Pining for spring, especially after all this cold weather. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa: No, since you are both visual artist and writer, that’s no great surprise!
I’m so grateful for the feedback on the cover photo—that’s exactly what I was going for. A place where we can sit a spell, in front of a lovely view, and share. Thanks for visiting!